Sickness, Surgery & Service

SICKNESS- My week started out with my two older daughters not feeling well and Clint telling me it was no big deal. It is just a cold they will be OK. By Wednesday when they were still feeling sluggish and I could tell that something wasn't right I took them to the Doctors (I know Clint didn't want me to because it always costs money but my mothers intuition told me to.) So I took them in and it turned out that both Hanna & Ester had strep. I of course felt like the worse mother ever because the doctor said oh their throats look really sore. One good thing about it is I got to have them home with me which I really like. It is a sacrifice for me to send them to school. I would rather have them home with me every day. I would be doing them a disservice by homeschooling them they are so smart they need school to excel.
SURGERY- For the last two weeks I have known that I have had to have my uterus and one ovary removed. That time came on Friday. I was totally fine with the whole thing on many levels that I knew it was the right thing to have done. When things fall into place just the right way there is no doubt in my mind that it is the right thing to be done. I have been blessed with 5 wonderful children who were all a part of Heavenly Fathers plan for me. I feel so blessed to be given these choice spirits. Now a different chapter in my life begins. I mean I knew we were done having kids about 3 1/2 years ago when Clint had a vasectomy done. (I am sure he is so happy with me sharing that. Good thing he rarely reads my blog.) But now it is permanent on my end. Clint has been so supportive. I am really surprised. I normally feel like a burden to him. I didn't want to have him do anything he didn't want to do while I went through this I was planning on having my mom and Monica help me. He wanted to bring me there, be there during the surgery (he even asked if he could be in the operating room and helped the doctor. They said no to that.) AND he even spent the night with me at the hospital. I feel very blessed and cared about by him. I mean I know he loves and cares about me but sometimes I don't think it is as deep as it is. Anyway he was very attentive and caring to me and it was nice to see him show that towards me.
When we got to the hospital on Friday I was fine I was good till they started talking about putting pain meds in my spinal column. I have never really had epidural with my kid because it scared me with the whole spine thing. That was the only thing that I was worried about but they told me they would sedate me first. They put some stuff in my IV before I left Clint he said I left the room with the biggest smile on my face. He asked them if he could have some of that for home. That is all I really remember then I came out of it and met up with Clint again. They put me in a room and I was in and out of it for the next little while. They let us go home. I couldn't wait for that. I don't care how nice a hospital is I hate spending the night there. It makes me so anxious. So now I am home. I am surprised that there is not much pain. I am sore and it feels like something has been removed but other then that I am fine.
SERVICE- I really like to be on the giving end of service. Me giving it to others. I am not comfortable with it being given to me. I had to learn to be able to receive it about 6 years ago when our house burned down. It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I kept telling myself that I would do something for those in need with out a second thought. I love to serve. It is my way of showing how much I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. My sweet husband, my mom, sisters, my ward family and my sweet friends have been so caring and loving to me. Weather it be a treat they dropped by, a dinner they made, or a visit, a call, a text, or a Facebook message. I have felt so much love by so many people. The ones I know truly care about me because they want to not because they have too. You know who you are and I am truly blessed to have you in my life.
My week with sickness, surgery & service.

Life's Triggers

To think 10 years ago I did not rely on the stupid Internet and now to be with out it for 2 months has been a trial. Well it is back and one of our two computers is working and restored. If only I could do that with me take a 2 month brake from life and be back new and improved. I know we are given trials to learn and grow. That is suppose to make us stronger and it does but I am growing in ways that I do not want to grow (size). I hate that I have a weight issue. It will be the battle of my life. I just wish I knew what triggers my episodes of not caring about myself and feeling like I am the scum of the earth. Well I know what some of them are but why do I let them bother me. I know that I have one of the best men in the world for my husband and everyone also tells me. It is fine that I am always being told that I have the best man but honestly it gets old. I know that that must sound so mean. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful he chose me there are so many better women out there he could have easily gotten. There are so many good things about him and I think he knows that. I think sometime it goes to his head a little who wouldn't let it go to their head when they are being told how wonderful they are all the time by everyone. Well I wouldn't I have always struggled to believe that anything about me is wonderful. Well my children are absolutely wonderful and they are a small part of me but aside from that there is not much good that comes directly from me. WHY...WHY...WHY do I feel that way??? I am trying to figure that out. Heavenly Father doesn't make junk unless a piece got by unnoticed. (I did come in a package deal. Maybe I was a mistake) I don't know. I really hope this doesn't sound like a pity party I don't mean it to sound that way I am just trying to put my thoughts out there and figure out why the heck I can't feel like I am a good person under all the fat. WHY...WHY...WHY does weight have to mean so much??? WHY...WHY...WHY... do superficial thing have to be so stinking important to some people even to me??? I will never have that model look or body so get over it. Yeah right like it is that easy! It isn't dang it! So what it boils down to and to sum up this stupid entry is. I have a wonderful husband, good children and don't deserve any of them. I have gained weight, I have been in a stupid depression for the last few months, I am a terrible house keeper & wife and have been awful about personal prayer. All I want to do is eat and sleep like someone of my size needs to do that. I hope something triggers me to do otherwise soon. I wish I could feel like it is OK maybe I did do something right and that is why I have good friends. Instead of feeling like they are being my friend because they feel sorry for me. Or that I have a good husband because I try to be a righteous woman instead of feeling like it is because he is such a good man that he had pity on me because no one else would. Now he is stuck with this for an eternity. When I share my feelings with my sweet husband his answer to me is always if you feel that way then make some changes to be better. Or when I tell him how I feel with the weight issue. He says it is not a problem but when we first got married and I was at my smallest ever in my whole life with the help of starving myself. I still was not good enough then. There were still things said by him and others about my size. Now 14 years later I am not at my biggest or my smallest and I have lost over 75lbs in the last few years it is still a stupid dumb problem. WHY...WHY...WHY??? These are the questions in my head. I have true testimony of all that I am taught in church and in the temple but does it really pertain to me. Like I said maybe I wasn't suppose to be made. I don't know!

MY WISH

I wish one day I could wake up thin, with perfect knowledge in the scriptures, does all I am to do in church callings and spiritual things in the home, a good house keeper, a wonderful mom (one that speaks in a sweet quite voice and never yells or says anything negative or bad) and the perfect wife (who never gets mad or complains about her husband and lets him hunt, camp and play at the dunes all he wants along with keeping a wonderful budget with out ever wanting anything) I am not that now or anytime soon. I can do some changing but will never be one of those women. You know the type that her husband has nothing but good to say about her and while baring testimony can't even speak of their wife because they are so filled with emotions on what a better person he is because of her. You know that type I will never be that. One could only wish RIGHT! I don't know what has sent me off in such a tangent and triggered me to feel this way for the last 5 month and only feeling more and more worse. Only time will tell and trigger me in the other direction (I can only hope and pray) as for now I wish I understood life's triggers.

That was our Valentine's 2010

Because Valentine's fell on Sunday this year there was a lot of things going on starting Friday. First on Friday the girls had crazy hair day at school. Good thing for marked down Halloween clearance for that. The only one daring was Eliza the other two wanted their hair normal with some red spray.

Then of course Katie had to have crazy hair also. I think she was more excited to have it then the girls.

Katie was also excited to go to Eliza's kindergarten class for the Valentine party. This year the school sent home suggestions for the party. They were asking for healthy heart type foods. My children love cheese and crackers so that is what they brought in for their class parties. The kids loved the heart shaped cheese.

Jacob goes to the middle school their times are different. I picked Jacob up early so he wouldn't have to wait for me once his school was out. He too enjoyed Eliza's class party. He was helping keep the class entertained while Eliza's teacher cleaned up. He was so good with the kids. Eliza's teacher said he was welcome back anytime.

Then Saturday started with the girls having to be in different places at the same time. That is hard sometimes but we got it done. Clint helping with a service project. Me giving a hair cut and finish making the girls cute shirts for the next day. To add to all that we had to slaughter our last pig so we would not get a fine from animal control.

This was bacon our pig that we have had for a few months. She weighted 5lbs when we got her. On slaughter day she had gotten to 103lbs.

I will spear you the gross pictures. It was messy but it had to be done. We got about 70lbs of pork. It is in the freezer now. Monica is having a party for two of her kids with pulled pork sandwiches. I am making the pork=).

The pig took a long time to gut it and whatever else they did. While Clint was doing that I was making the cute shirts for the girls.

Then we went out on a date for Valentine's Day. Clint got me some pretty roses. We went to our church stake adult dance. It was cute. We had a lot of friends there. We just hung out and talked. It had been such a busy day I was so tired. I was ready for bed. When we got home we had a nice surprise from the kids. They had made our bed and made really cute cards for us and had them on our bed. It was so sweet.

The next morning I got up early and made my family pink pancakes and bacon for breakfast. (store bought bacon) I always buy my kids a little something for valentine's just to let them know how much I love them. The only thing I regret is that I smelled like bacon the rest of the day. I hate that.

My Jacob I love him so much he is such a good kid. He had to give a talk in church on Valentines He did such a good job. I have so much fun with him. Sometimes I forget I am the mom and I have to discipline. I am the mean parent in our house and I hate it sometimes. Good thing I have pretty good kids so I don't have to go to crazy.

My Hanna (aka the little mean mother) I am so thankful for her in our home. She has such a tender spot in her heart for animals. But she also loves to eat bacon. I also have a lot of fun with Hanna she makes me laugh.

My Ester she is so sweet and the most like me in many ways. She is there to help and care for anyone. When she gets mad watch out. She was so excited for Valentine's Day. She couldn't wait for it to come.

My cute Eliza. She is my little baby. Even though Katie is the baby my Eliza likes to be the baby. She is so sweet and little.

My Katie who is really the baby but don't call her that. "I am a big girl mom". I love the time I get to spend with my Katie while the kids are in school. She is growing up so fast and I have to reminder her not to say the same things the big kids say because it does not sound good coming out of her cute mouth. I also have to remind he to be nice to her mom a lot.

I love Valentine's day so we could express our love to those we love. But I don't just wait for that day. I try to often tell my children how much I love them. I love my husband also very much and am just so thankful for all I have. That was our Valentine's 2010.

Taking on a Dare

I am not much of a reader. I go in spurts and read then not so much. Right now I am reading The Love Dare. I am really enjoying it. If anyone wants to better their marriage I would encourage them to read this. I am only on day 6 but it has helped me see things in a different light.

Like it says in the Bible man is not meant to be alone. I am so thankful for my husband he is the greatest gift I have been given aside from the Gospel. I know that those who know me hear me complain about my husband and I must apologize for that. He is a good man who loves me despite my many many faults. He is the one I have on my mind all the time. I want to shout to the world that I love him and have loved him for a very long time. As most of you know he was my one and only boyfriend. He was my first kiss and he will always be that. We have had good times along with bad but I see him as my better half and with out him I would be nothing. I am doing this love dare for him. I want him to know I would walk to the ends of the earth for him. (maybe that is what I have to do to be thin) He does not know that I am doing this love dare. When you have a good thing what is wrong with making it better. That is why I have decided to take on this dare.

Ready for it to be over!

I can't explain it. I don't know what is happening to my life. I am not one to take on challenges well like I have seen many good friends do. We are all healthy (except my mental well being). I could not imagine if health were to fail on anyone of my kids. We are all well taken care of we still have our house. I just feel like my life is spinning out of control.


I stopped listening to the news and talk radio because I felt it was negative. I have been praying more trying hard in a lot of ways but I can't seen to dig myself out of this hole I am in and I am scared. Why do we go through things like this? I know it is for me to grow and learn something from it. I keep thinking I have learned but then something else happens and I realize I still have to learn. I want it all to stop because I feel like I can't take much more. Then I remember only the Lord knows how much we could handle. I am in contact with Him a lot through the day I tell Him I want things to be better. I hope I don't lose my hope. I wish all the pain I feel and have in my heart were all physical then I could take some thing to ease it away. When those you love so much are not there for you and do not help you in your time of need it hurts more. I hate emotional pain. In the past I have dealt with in awful ways that I am tyring not to do. I know this blog entry must sound so down and I am sorry for that. I am very thankful for my friends who help me feel loved and cared about. They are one reason I know Heavenly Father hears me. I am just waiting for my lesson to be over. So I could look back and laugh at the way things were. I know that everything is done in dew time. I am just ready for it to be time.