Life's Triggers

To think 10 years ago I did not rely on the stupid Internet and now to be with out it for 2 months has been a trial. Well it is back and one of our two computers is working and restored. If only I could do that with me take a 2 month brake from life and be back new and improved. I know we are given trials to learn and grow. That is suppose to make us stronger and it does but I am growing in ways that I do not want to grow (size). I hate that I have a weight issue. It will be the battle of my life. I just wish I knew what triggers my episodes of not caring about myself and feeling like I am the scum of the earth. Well I know what some of them are but why do I let them bother me. I know that I have one of the best men in the world for my husband and everyone also tells me. It is fine that I am always being told that I have the best man but honestly it gets old. I know that that must sound so mean. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful he chose me there are so many better women out there he could have easily gotten. There are so many good things about him and I think he knows that. I think sometime it goes to his head a little who wouldn't let it go to their head when they are being told how wonderful they are all the time by everyone. Well I wouldn't I have always struggled to believe that anything about me is wonderful. Well my children are absolutely wonderful and they are a small part of me but aside from that there is not much good that comes directly from me. WHY...WHY...WHY do I feel that way??? I am trying to figure that out. Heavenly Father doesn't make junk unless a piece got by unnoticed. (I did come in a package deal. Maybe I was a mistake) I don't know. I really hope this doesn't sound like a pity party I don't mean it to sound that way I am just trying to put my thoughts out there and figure out why the heck I can't feel like I am a good person under all the fat. WHY...WHY...WHY does weight have to mean so much??? WHY...WHY...WHY... do superficial thing have to be so stinking important to some people even to me??? I will never have that model look or body so get over it. Yeah right like it is that easy! It isn't dang it! So what it boils down to and to sum up this stupid entry is. I have a wonderful husband, good children and don't deserve any of them. I have gained weight, I have been in a stupid depression for the last few months, I am a terrible house keeper & wife and have been awful about personal prayer. All I want to do is eat and sleep like someone of my size needs to do that. I hope something triggers me to do otherwise soon. I wish I could feel like it is OK maybe I did do something right and that is why I have good friends. Instead of feeling like they are being my friend because they feel sorry for me. Or that I have a good husband because I try to be a righteous woman instead of feeling like it is because he is such a good man that he had pity on me because no one else would. Now he is stuck with this for an eternity. When I share my feelings with my sweet husband his answer to me is always if you feel that way then make some changes to be better. Or when I tell him how I feel with the weight issue. He says it is not a problem but when we first got married and I was at my smallest ever in my whole life with the help of starving myself. I still was not good enough then. There were still things said by him and others about my size. Now 14 years later I am not at my biggest or my smallest and I have lost over 75lbs in the last few years it is still a stupid dumb problem. WHY...WHY...WHY??? These are the questions in my head. I have true testimony of all that I am taught in church and in the temple but does it really pertain to me. Like I said maybe I wasn't suppose to be made. I don't know!

MY WISH

I wish one day I could wake up thin, with perfect knowledge in the scriptures, does all I am to do in church callings and spiritual things in the home, a good house keeper, a wonderful mom (one that speaks in a sweet quite voice and never yells or says anything negative or bad) and the perfect wife (who never gets mad or complains about her husband and lets him hunt, camp and play at the dunes all he wants along with keeping a wonderful budget with out ever wanting anything) I am not that now or anytime soon. I can do some changing but will never be one of those women. You know the type that her husband has nothing but good to say about her and while baring testimony can't even speak of their wife because they are so filled with emotions on what a better person he is because of her. You know that type I will never be that. One could only wish RIGHT! I don't know what has sent me off in such a tangent and triggered me to feel this way for the last 5 month and only feeling more and more worse. Only time will tell and trigger me in the other direction (I can only hope and pray) as for now I wish I understood life's triggers.